Stories of a Sad Panda

Le Date

2009-10-19T22:35:00.004+11:00

I shut the door behind me about to head down the stairs
A gust of wind tries to attack my heavily lacquered hair and it is at that moment I realise I'm going to be cold whilst I wait for my date
I push the thought away before it prompts me to turn around, I want to get to my location with time to spare, “ill grab a coffee to warm me up” I say to myself

A delicious mocha and 20minutes later and I'm still waiting for him.
He sent me a txt telling me he’d be late just as I arrived. I sit and ‘people watch‘.
A guy is doing tricks on his bike in front of me and the more I watch the more he is trying and the more he tries the more fails… I giggle to myself.
I’m cold and slightly regretting not grabbing my jacket but I'm also secretly thankful because I'm nervous as all hell and would be sweating like a whore in action other wise. The wind is keeping my body temp controlled *thankfully*
He arrives from the side street to my right with a gorgeous smile on his face and an apology ready to go for being so late. He starts to speak and his accent captures me entirely, so soft and smooth, so French and so adorably sexy
He stops speaking and now he looks at me. The expression on his face with one raised eyebrow, shit! its my turn to speak but I'm so lost in the sound that’s escaping from his soft pink lips. I just want to kiss him *sigh*
His hair blows softly in the same breeze that had just recently tried to ruin mine
He smiles
I smile back
Then I do that shy turn-away-and-look-to-the-ground thing that I do, I hate it but when I look up his smile is even bigger than before and as my eyes meet his, I see that he likes that I'm shy

We start to move in the direction of our destination
Although we are late, the festival will still be open by the time we arrive and as we walk past the gates, his eyes widen with amazement
He's impressed by this century old park suddenly looking so vibrant and bouncing with life
“This looks like fun“ he whispers
We curve around the food stalls and decide to pick a few dishes and share them as we sit at a white table in the middle of it all
As we sit and eat we talk about the various things that seem to find our conversation, its effortless, he asks of my life in Sydney and I of his in Paris
Our stereotypes of each other are quickly corrected
I do not surf on the beaches of Bondi and he doesn't sit by cafes and sip lattes.
Turns out He hates coffee and I'm fearful of the oceans depths.
We exchange curious expressions, partly due to our own naivety and secondly with the thought, so what do you do in your home town if not the stereotyped behaviour?

The festival comes to an end but we are eager to stay in the city, talking and just getting to know each other, I’m comfortable in his presence and my nerves are all but eased
We leave the festival and stroll through the park down under a canopy of fairy lights hanging in trees older than our fathers father. Dwarfed by the leafy surrounds we soak up the atmosphere as well as each others company.
I show him parts of my hometown that I haven’t seen in years and some parts I’ve never seen before. I feel like a tourist in my own city.
We find a spot to sit down at, the water feature we sit by fits perfectly with the cool night breeze and is tranquil background noise to the stories that we share with each other.

As the night grows older the wind gets the better of me and I ask him if we can venture down to a coffee shop to escape the cold. He gives me a heart melting smile and says to me “but of course you are cold no? where would you like to go?”
The only place open is the 24hour McDonalds on the main street. *cringe*
A place I’d rather not visit on a date but its what we have to work with so late on a school night.

We approach the McCafe counter and decide what to order, we probe the attendant with questions simply to buy us time in our decisions. We sit and we wait for our orders and as we do we watch the people around us, a various mix of sorts and some unexpected teenagers dressed up on an odd night of the week.
I hear a commotion behind me, my curiosity causing me to turn around.
Unsure if this date was going to lead on to a second, It was at this moment that all of my uncertainty faded away, as I turned my body to look behind me my leg bumps into his under the table, up until this point we hadn’t touched apart from our kiss-on-the-cheek hello.
As his leg pushes back against mine its clear this is more than just hanging out, my heart beat speeds up and my body gets this nervous calm running through it, then he smiles as he looks to me and I smirk back at him.
Its busy and noisy, the kids are drunk and obnoxious, this venue is in no way romantic but we deal with our surroundings and start to watch the music videos playing on the screen in front of us. As we watch we start to discuss each others taste in music, We discover that we like similar artists but our main tastes vary from each other.
He prefers more rock,
I prefer more of an acoustic mix.

It’s getting late and sadly our night must come to an end, we make our move to the railway in time to catch one of the last services home.
The platform is bare, the carriages are empty and we sit to the left.
Both tired from a long day and a wonderful evening we sit close by each other. Close enough to touch but far enough to ensure safety on public transport.
No one comes into our carriage so we sit in comfort, yawning occasionally with tired eyes.
As we approach our final destination the tension slowly builds, wanting to kiss him for the past four hours our shy personalities are shinning through.
His station is the stop before mine and as the train pulls in, I walk him to the doors. Unwillingly we say goodbye and just before he turns to walk away he leans in to kiss me.
As his lips touch mine, my body tingles with excitement, the wait was worth it and then its over almost before it started but it was more than I thought it would be.
The train pulls out and takes me away from the cute French boy.

I’m excited about the next time that I get see him and I want that to be as soon as possible.
As I walk from my stop to my home I think about when that might be.
Writing a txt and then deleting it fearful of being to keen I wait until I’m in bed before I write him to tell him how much I enjoyed the night and that I hope to see him soon.
Lights out and under covers I close my eyes to find him in my dreams.

To My Panda Friend

2009-03-08T10:40:00.007+11:00

This is a letter to a Friend

Someone very close to Me

A note to let them know

That things will be ok

Even though the hill seems steep

It won't always be

The lil engine that could

He said "I think I can"

But Me, My friend

I know You can

I will stand beside You

In front or even behind You

I’ll hold Your hand

And say all the hard words for You

As long as You know

I'm always here to help You

It will be hard sometimes

And You'll want to quit at times

But You can't give up My friend

Not until We’ve reach the end

05032009

Whisper...

2009-02-03T00:13:00.007+11:00

A sideways glance from a fair haired boy with a nervous smile left him feeling slightly more illuminated then the rest of the crowd. A spot light just for him shining from the other side of the room.
Jack wasn't sure if he should move, fearful that the light surrounding may not follow if he did. So he sits for a further five minutes, watching the reflection in the mirror across the way, trying to work up the courage to walk on past.
His new fan was seated in a corner booth on the other side of the room. So with a slow gracious walk, quickly followed by a stumble as he bumps into a stool hidden from his line of sight, Jack heads on over.

An apology to the girl who is now covered in the cocktail she was very much enjoying and wearing a red flushed face, he quickly notices this extremely good looking boy has stood to greet him on his walk.
As he fumbles for the right words to say, the boy wipes away the smile from his face and contains his laughter at this fault stepping young man and makes an introduction.

Philippe, with his squared features but kind and gentle blue eyed face, speaks his name with a soft and sexy French accent. Suddenly Jack is lost and the upbeat Jazz music slows right down, followed by the low lighting dimming even more so.
An awkward pause follows and he soon comes to the realisation that it’s now his turn to speak and Jack quickly snaps back into reality.

Their effortless conversation flows smoothly and is filled with clear cut flirtation, time seems to pass at a slower pace even tho the night is seemingly escaping them.
Eyes meeting each others continuously, their focus is locked on here and now.
Oblivious to the crowd around them, these two young men are found in a world all of their own.

Lost

2008-12-08T21:02:00.001+11:00

wet from the rains

falling from the clouds above

cold and alone

their you stand

in amongst the confusion

lost inside the crowd

scared and alone

their you stand

do not be scared

you are not alone

I will be there

you will be found

2007

Over and Out

2008-12-08T19:40:00.000+11:00

You were my shelter from the storm
You kept me safe
You kept me warm
But then your ways, they changed
And I became lost in your fierce force tornado

Far from Kansas
I was lost with Toto
I had to walk this road alone
No yellow bricks
What did I miss
You told me you’d never let go

What we had was beautiful
Just something short of wonderful
Where did it all go wrong

My thoughts take me back
I remember our good ways
But more importantly
I recall the bad days
Frame by frame
We walked down different roads

The love we had
Fuelled our fire
Now extinguished
Without desire.

June 2008

Word collaborations of 2005‏

2008-12-08T19:31:00.000+11:00

Flight of such 21/02/05

The bird is perched on a branch
Ready to take flight
He spreads his wings but starts to fall
He does not know how to fly

My White Rabbit 01/03/05

Like Alice down the rabbit hole, darkness it never stopped
The fall began long ago, light fading in and out
No one knew that I had fallen, by then it was too late
The white rabbit tho, he had found me
And it was he who I did follow

Slowly I began to disappear, recede from sight to others
Metres above, just before and slightly from the bottom,
In a mirror, it was me, myself I was reflected
And in one moment, single on its own
From that evil dream, so quickly was I awoken

15 centimetres 2005

I’m suspended in the air just above the ground
I’m very still and not moving
my feet are so close to the dirt below
yet I’m still too far to touch down
when the time is right ill be lowered
hopefully that will be soon
its very quiet up here
and the view is much different
I'm not sure how i got here
but i know that I'm OK where i am
so I'm not scared
I'm very calm

Green 2005

A jealous man is not a wise man
and a wise man does not doubt
for a doubting man fears himself
as himself, he cannot trust

Trey 14/10/05

Lying so still, so peaceful
sleeping, you’re at ease
a firm grasp on my finger
your whole hand clutching tightly
it’s hard to watch you
so tiny, so fragile
but you are fighting, hard
I hold back my tears
so does your Dad
and then you smile

You have male.

2008-12-07T17:50:00.000+11:00

A light breeze enters through the window to his left, outside the sky is a wash of pastel blue with a hint of grey. The clouds move like slow migrating buffalo, trailing their rain filled bellies to another time and place. It seems the day mimics his mood: Sadness mixed with Doxylamine.

Inside he sits with the memories of yesterday and thoughts of tomorrow.
Once again this poor boy has been dealt a nasty hand of fate.
A sucker to the game, a game he has lost once again.
But why does he allow himself to fall victim to the harsh reality of anothers soul whose carelessness constantly rips him apart.
He knows he needs to let go and move beyond this moment he has on repeat in his mind, but he cannot.

An unsent email sits on his screen, unsure if he should send it. He doubts it validity but only because he fears the ramifications that could follow.
But he rewinds his thoughts and watches in his mind, the emptiness he felt not 72 hours before.
It contains an honest expression of his distaste to ones past actions. It contains seriousness mixed with sadness and pain, hurt and tears.
A possible goodbye lingers and a trail of confusion intertwined in words and paragraphs explain the seriousness of the situation.
His anger was replaced with truth and suffering , his pain, painted all over it, like a white wash of tears, shines on through.
But he is unsure of the response that may not come.
It will be a defining moment and anticipation will keep him awake as he lay in his bed, sifting through the thoughts in his mind.